Losing.

It is 2:44 am and December 4, 2011. A lot has happened since my last blog post but I just have failed to put it all in words and make them make sense. I'm gong through a phase where I feel like I'm losing myself. A while ago, I was just thinking and looking at old pictures of me about two years ago. I was so different then. I was still awkward but back then I had morals, standards and most importantly a strong and intimate relationship with God. I was content then. Life wasn't great but it was manageable. The girl today is so different. My heart has been so confused lately that I try to ignore it as much as I can. So I follow my mind and my body which hasn't had the best results. I am now intertwined into four different branches all yearning for a combination of passion, lust and confusion. I am too nice so I forgive and give numerous chances. I give my body and not my heart. I wonder which one is worse. I have given them both to an extent and I only have one of each. Once you give it, you're no longer in control. I'm not sure if I like being in control or not. I guess it's just loneliness that eats me up so much that I have to lean on someone else to satisfy my hunger. I give myself. Seconds later, I ask myself "what am I really doing ? why am I doing this ? and will I ever regret it ?" I'm tired of thinking because I just come up with more questions. Never any answers. When I do get an answer that I most likely don't like, I rationalize it into something better that I like. I think about what God thinks of me and I try to humble myself to him. I feel lost. There was one time when I felt like there was hope when I went to my school's gospel choir concert. I felt like I belonged but then again not deserving to be in the presence of Him. I push myself to think that in the end, he will forgive me and that this is a phase. That I will get out of it naturally and everything will get better. I need to learn that the best decisions will not always be the easiest. That it is okay to be alone. I need to learn to control my desires and carve my overwhelming sexuality into something that won't make me feel like a whore. This is a very sensitive time for me. I'm learning so much. I need to be stronger, find out my morals again and stick to them. I don't want to feel lost forever nor do I want to be the same girl I was last year or two years ago. Things has happened and changed and because of that I will never be the same. I need to accept the past, learn from it and make smarter decisions. I need to be someone that I'm proud of and stop caring about other's well being before mine. I hope I can read this post 3, 6, 9 or 12 months from now and smile because I achieved the goals I mentioned. That would be a big step for me. I need to love me again.

Homely Mistakes.

I'm getting this feeling again. The feeling that I get when I'm overwhelmed and losing control of a situation, or in my case multiple situations. Last night me and him got into an argument because I really wanted to know what was on his mind the night that everything went wrong and then my plan failed again. I feel like everything I try to make better, gets worse. Maybe I do deserve better.

In less than one hour I will be leaving my safe haven called college and going back "home." When I look back on my decision to go home, I regret it. I haven't even arrived yet and my mom is already yelling at me and blowing up my phone. My initial plan was to surprise my mom, sisters and grandmother with the help of my two aunts and cousin but somehow my mom found out and wants to take control of the situation. I do not miss "home" at all. I do miss some of my family members and I guess surprising them encouraged me to to go. Another reason for me going home is because my grandmother bought me some clothes for the cold weather and I wanted to get my hair and nails done for my birthday next Tuesday. I could have stayed here with a room all by myself because my roommate went home to celebrate Rosh Hannah. I would have been content with being here alone when most of my friends went home. I leave today and come back on Sunday. Hopefully these days go by very fast.

Something Worth Something

When I see someone so passionate about something, it gives me goosebumps. I long to find my own personal passion. To wake up knowing that I have found my calling and happy to do it everyday. It would be a plus if it makes me good money. I just can't wait to find it and put my whole heart, soul and life into it. To watch it blossom into something so big and creative that it inspires others. I'm in college. It would be great to find it now. To convince me that all this shit that I'm going through is worth something. That I'm worth something and destined to be someone. 

A Work In Progress

How you guys doing ? I'm okay. Just wanted to recap on my life lol. Feel like writing and I haven't in a while so ...yeah lol. I feel stressed and overwhelmed sometimes with school. Not really the work ( well, sometimes ) but time management and money management especially. I went to the mall near my school on Saturday and Walmart yesterday and spent over $300 in two days. I just got the money. Less than a week ago. No bueno. I need to work on that. I'm trying to schedule my time efficiently. It's a work in progress. I don't regret anything I bought though.

On the other hand, I have been eating horrible. Making bad eating choices because everything is here. I worry about my weight constantly. I walk a lot but I know that's not enough. I try to eat once or twice a day ( my meal plan is another part of my money management ) and I get headaches often. I fit in my clothes fine. I need to find a way to work out. I try to try to keep the horrible self-esteem voices in my head in the back of it. And I'm breaking out more enough then anytime in my whole life. Well not breaking out but my face has a weird texture to it and the occasional pimples leave horrible acne marks. I'm currently on a search to find sometimes that will relieve the dark marks. When I go home, I need to go to my dermatologist.

Lastly, me and him are better. We talk everyday on the phone but when we see each other, it's still awkward. I don't know what he thinks or wants. I'm afraid to ask. Afraid of the answers I will get so I will just leave things how they are. One day, I'll ask. My feelings are still masked. Well I hope. I often wear my heart on my sleeve. He's the "Do whatever you want. I'm not gonna ask you to stay or go" type of the attitude so that makes me confused. I wish things were back to how it was in the summer. Another work in the progress.

Bad Habit.

The first thing I think about when I wake up is you. I don't even think about myself first. When I catch myself doing this, I quickly stop myself. This is the worse habit. I must stop it. I quickly say a prayer. Thanking God for waking me and my loved ones up today and in good health and hope for a good, safe and fun day ahead. Then I go back to thinking of you. The same 'ol things. The same night. The kiss. The feeling that I got. That good, warm and intense feeling. When you're near, I feel privileged to accompany your space. When you're far, I miss you more.

Okay. I'm going to stop now. I probably sound like a psycho and stalker lol.

Opening My Eyes To Something That Will Never Be

At the end of the day, you can't force someone to be with you. If they don't want to be with you, they just don't want to be with you.

Don't worry. I can catch a hint. I understand through your simple response text and nonchalant attitude towards everything. It's terribly annoying. I'm trying hard but it's whatever. We will never be. I accept that now. Maybe you are right. Maybe I do deserve better than you. I never thought that was possible but I guess it is. I'll channel this negative energy and shattered hopes and dreams into something positive and powerful. Something that reflects the way life should be. Without you.

The Failed Chance

It still hasn't hit me. Last night was so close to perfect. We finally saw each other after so many weeks. All the texts and emotions came to the surface and full force. Feelings were declared. Guards were let down. It was hard for me to put myself out there but I did because I trusted you. You're different. A mystery that I'll love to explore and learn from. You tickled me, found my weak spot and said that you won't hurt me. In less than two hours you did. I became vulnerable but I felt it was a right choice. Terrible mistake. If you like someone so much, care for them even more, the past does not matter. You condescend yourself in such a way that it seems like you hate yourself. You stopped something that didn't even have a chance to start. So much potential. So many dreams. Halted to a stop. My drowsiness made it seem like it was all a dream but then you kissed me and I finally felt the sensational feeling that I haven't felt in so long. So strong that I wanted to stay the night. Holding your hand while you gently caress my face and hold me. While you give me that look that meant so much. I saw the potential. You don't see the potential in yourself. It hurts me that you so scared and scarred by the past that you can't even start in the present with me. It hurts me more to see you feel so bad about yourself. To feel worthless. I'm tired of the excuses. I'm tired of the "you deserve better" though they seem sincere. I am not perfect. I want you. I fell for you for a reason. I want to be with you. Confused emotions. Awkward moments to come. Tears shed. Thinking about the words to clearly describe my feelings but I've failed. When I find them, I want to tell them to you.

Great Last Days.

Today was a great day for me. I got one thing off of my to do list which I am very proud of because I am not productive as I should be at all. I also went over my ex's house today and connected with him on a level that is so close to magical. It has been almost a year and a half since we have met ( maybe seven months since we have broken up ) and we still manage to act like a couple. I have never met someone of the opposite sex that I am so comfortable and happy with in my whole life. We have certainly have had our ups and downs but somehow he still makes me so happy and I can't get enough. We have recently established that we are not over each other at all but we both have personal things that we need to figure out by ourselves before we think about being in a relationship again. Plus, we go to different colleges that are hours away. I want to experience everything in college. I mean EVERYTHING. It's gonna be a good four years ( two days until I move in : ) ). I don't know what the future has for me or him or us but I can only hope that it's a good one. I will forever love him. You never fully get over your first love. Today would have been a year an one month since we were together

The Ugly Truth

Why is my mom such a failure ? At 40, she still isn't ready to support her kids. There is a lack of everything that a child must get from a parent in this "relationship." I'm going to college in 7 days and she still has not gotten her shit together for me to leave. I wish I didn't have to depend on her at all. If she wasn't my biological mother, I would have no absolute attachment to her. I feel no emotional attachment to her nor do I want to. I don't want to be like her. I fear to be like her when I grow up. I refuse to let my children struggle the way my sisters and I have all these years.

I finally got a taste of the college life in July and loved it. I felt so stress-free ( except when it came to my academics ) and most importantly, happy. I never felt so happy in my whole life. I did not miss home at all. College to me is an escape from this place. I hate this place and the effect it has on my happiness. I feel trapped in this feeling. I once had a place where I could be me. A place I could call my own and just be free but that was invaded when I left for college. I'm glad that everything worked out and I am going three and a half hours away. I had to get away. I'm counting down the days to when I leave. I just need for my mom to get take up responsibility and get stuff done. That's all I want from her. No cutting corners or bullshitting. Just get things done and I will be on my merry way.

Only close friends know my struggle. I feel embarrassed telling it. How both of my parents are alive and well and still fail to be parents. How I don't love them at all. How they are just people that I have to tolerate because they gave me life. Sometimes life can be a burden, a curse. I refuse to let this depression shallow me. I will leave for college somehow. Make ends meet on my own or with the help of my very gracious family members that do care and make something out of myself.

I hate when my feelings depend on others. Especially people who don't care at all about me or my feelings. I hold it all in. Then I tell too much. It gets worse. I've let guys in to help fill this void and that failed. I fail to let go and start over. I am trying to start over with someone new but sometimes I feel like they can't handle the ugly truth of my life. That it will scare them and cause them to run the other way. I want to find real love but I'm scared at the same time. My optimism is slowly fading. I need to find myself. I'm tired of feeling anger and hopeless and scared and alone. I'm tired of crying.

If It's Meant To Be, It Will Be

If it’s meant to be then it will work out again. Let it go. It will come back if it’s real. If it’s meant to be.

We met a little over a year ago and since then you have been in my life. There’s been ups and downs, breakups and makeups and after a big argument, I really thought we were over for good. Didn’t talk for months. Distance came between us and I had time and space to think about a lot. Now you’re back. Feelings haven’t changed. You’ve come back to me <3. I’m anxious about the future but I’m cherishing the memories of the past and the present.

A New Beginning to My Personal Blog

So I've decided to use this blog for more personal things because too many people I know have my Tumblr and I want to express my way that I won't be judged. I also what to be able to look back on this blog years from now and see how I have changed. This blog was initially supposed to be a fashion blog but I have not gotten a camera. It's a shame. But I feel like when I get around to getting it, I will make this a fashion bog also.

For now, this will be a place where I can vent to myself about life. A lot has happened to me and I need to release this stress somewhere. My name is Shantel if you haven't learned already. I am 17 years old and live an interesting life. I had my first real boyfriend last year and fell in love. We have been through a lot and he did hurt me but somehow gravity always brings us back to each other. I just came back from my summer program at the college I will be going to in the fall but before that we decided to end things because of distance. He even got a new girlfriend but now he is saying that us ending was a mistake. I was finally over him and now this. I don't know what to think or what to do. I want to give us another chance but I don't want to get hurt again. I'm so scared but I still love him. But not in love with him. If we get back together, who knows when he will change his mind again and want to break up. I hate being vulnerable. Especially to him. He is my weakness.

I also did meet another guy at my summer program and I like him a lot. I feel like I should give him a chance. Maybe he is the one but I will never know if I get back together with my ex. Me and this guy even started texting but my phone is off now so I'm afraid he thinks that I just started to ignore him. That's a bad start to a new friendship and potential relationship.

There is also another guy that I've know since I was small. I gave him numerous chances and he failed every time. He just wants my body and I've decided to move on. All the signs were there but being the optimist I am, I always believe that there's always some good in people. No matter how bad they seem and show on the outside. But his chances are over and I'm proud of myself for finally moving on.

I hope you don't think I'm a slut or something lol. I've learned a lot about myself this past year and is still learning a lot about life. I just want to help others with their problems by reading about mine.

On a brighter note, my cousin's wedding is on Sunday and I am so excited !! Finally hope in the male species lol.