The Failed Chance

It still hasn't hit me. Last night was so close to perfect. We finally saw each other after so many weeks. All the texts and emotions came to the surface and full force. Feelings were declared. Guards were let down. It was hard for me to put myself out there but I did because I trusted you. You're different. A mystery that I'll love to explore and learn from. You tickled me, found my weak spot and said that you won't hurt me. In less than two hours you did. I became vulnerable but I felt it was a right choice. Terrible mistake. If you like someone so much, care for them even more, the past does not matter. You condescend yourself in such a way that it seems like you hate yourself. You stopped something that didn't even have a chance to start. So much potential. So many dreams. Halted to a stop. My drowsiness made it seem like it was all a dream but then you kissed me and I finally felt the sensational feeling that I haven't felt in so long. So strong that I wanted to stay the night. Holding your hand while you gently caress my face and hold me. While you give me that look that meant so much. I saw the potential. You don't see the potential in yourself. It hurts me that you so scared and scarred by the past that you can't even start in the present with me. It hurts me more to see you feel so bad about yourself. To feel worthless. I'm tired of the excuses. I'm tired of the "you deserve better" though they seem sincere. I am not perfect. I want you. I fell for you for a reason. I want to be with you. Confused emotions. Awkward moments to come. Tears shed. Thinking about the words to clearly describe my feelings but I've failed. When I find them, I want to tell them to you.

Great Last Days.

Today was a great day for me. I got one thing off of my to do list which I am very proud of because I am not productive as I should be at all. I also went over my ex's house today and connected with him on a level that is so close to magical. It has been almost a year and a half since we have met ( maybe seven months since we have broken up ) and we still manage to act like a couple. I have never met someone of the opposite sex that I am so comfortable and happy with in my whole life. We have certainly have had our ups and downs but somehow he still makes me so happy and I can't get enough. We have recently established that we are not over each other at all but we both have personal things that we need to figure out by ourselves before we think about being in a relationship again. Plus, we go to different colleges that are hours away. I want to experience everything in college. I mean EVERYTHING. It's gonna be a good four years ( two days until I move in : ) ). I don't know what the future has for me or him or us but I can only hope that it's a good one. I will forever love him. You never fully get over your first love. Today would have been a year an one month since we were together

The Ugly Truth

Why is my mom such a failure ? At 40, she still isn't ready to support her kids. There is a lack of everything that a child must get from a parent in this "relationship." I'm going to college in 7 days and she still has not gotten her shit together for me to leave. I wish I didn't have to depend on her at all. If she wasn't my biological mother, I would have no absolute attachment to her. I feel no emotional attachment to her nor do I want to. I don't want to be like her. I fear to be like her when I grow up. I refuse to let my children struggle the way my sisters and I have all these years.

I finally got a taste of the college life in July and loved it. I felt so stress-free ( except when it came to my academics ) and most importantly, happy. I never felt so happy in my whole life. I did not miss home at all. College to me is an escape from this place. I hate this place and the effect it has on my happiness. I feel trapped in this feeling. I once had a place where I could be me. A place I could call my own and just be free but that was invaded when I left for college. I'm glad that everything worked out and I am going three and a half hours away. I had to get away. I'm counting down the days to when I leave. I just need for my mom to get take up responsibility and get stuff done. That's all I want from her. No cutting corners or bullshitting. Just get things done and I will be on my merry way.

Only close friends know my struggle. I feel embarrassed telling it. How both of my parents are alive and well and still fail to be parents. How I don't love them at all. How they are just people that I have to tolerate because they gave me life. Sometimes life can be a burden, a curse. I refuse to let this depression shallow me. I will leave for college somehow. Make ends meet on my own or with the help of my very gracious family members that do care and make something out of myself.

I hate when my feelings depend on others. Especially people who don't care at all about me or my feelings. I hold it all in. Then I tell too much. It gets worse. I've let guys in to help fill this void and that failed. I fail to let go and start over. I am trying to start over with someone new but sometimes I feel like they can't handle the ugly truth of my life. That it will scare them and cause them to run the other way. I want to find real love but I'm scared at the same time. My optimism is slowly fading. I need to find myself. I'm tired of feeling anger and hopeless and scared and alone. I'm tired of crying.

If It's Meant To Be, It Will Be

If it’s meant to be then it will work out again. Let it go. It will come back if it’s real. If it’s meant to be.

We met a little over a year ago and since then you have been in my life. There’s been ups and downs, breakups and makeups and after a big argument, I really thought we were over for good. Didn’t talk for months. Distance came between us and I had time and space to think about a lot. Now you’re back. Feelings haven’t changed. You’ve come back to me <3. I’m anxious about the future but I’m cherishing the memories of the past and the present.

A New Beginning to My Personal Blog

So I've decided to use this blog for more personal things because too many people I know have my Tumblr and I want to express my way that I won't be judged. I also what to be able to look back on this blog years from now and see how I have changed. This blog was initially supposed to be a fashion blog but I have not gotten a camera. It's a shame. But I feel like when I get around to getting it, I will make this a fashion bog also.

For now, this will be a place where I can vent to myself about life. A lot has happened to me and I need to release this stress somewhere. My name is Shantel if you haven't learned already. I am 17 years old and live an interesting life. I had my first real boyfriend last year and fell in love. We have been through a lot and he did hurt me but somehow gravity always brings us back to each other. I just came back from my summer program at the college I will be going to in the fall but before that we decided to end things because of distance. He even got a new girlfriend but now he is saying that us ending was a mistake. I was finally over him and now this. I don't know what to think or what to do. I want to give us another chance but I don't want to get hurt again. I'm so scared but I still love him. But not in love with him. If we get back together, who knows when he will change his mind again and want to break up. I hate being vulnerable. Especially to him. He is my weakness.

I also did meet another guy at my summer program and I like him a lot. I feel like I should give him a chance. Maybe he is the one but I will never know if I get back together with my ex. Me and this guy even started texting but my phone is off now so I'm afraid he thinks that I just started to ignore him. That's a bad start to a new friendship and potential relationship.

There is also another guy that I've know since I was small. I gave him numerous chances and he failed every time. He just wants my body and I've decided to move on. All the signs were there but being the optimist I am, I always believe that there's always some good in people. No matter how bad they seem and show on the outside. But his chances are over and I'm proud of myself for finally moving on.

I hope you don't think I'm a slut or something lol. I've learned a lot about myself this past year and is still learning a lot about life. I just want to help others with their problems by reading about mine.

On a brighter note, my cousin's wedding is on Sunday and I am so excited !! Finally hope in the male species lol.