Losing.

It is 2:44 am and December 4, 2011. A lot has happened since my last blog post but I just have failed to put it all in words and make them make sense. I'm gong through a phase where I feel like I'm losing myself. A while ago, I was just thinking and looking at old pictures of me about two years ago. I was so different then. I was still awkward but back then I had morals, standards and most importantly a strong and intimate relationship with God. I was content then. Life wasn't great but it was manageable. The girl today is so different. My heart has been so confused lately that I try to ignore it as much as I can. So I follow my mind and my body which hasn't had the best results. I am now intertwined into four different branches all yearning for a combination of passion, lust and confusion. I am too nice so I forgive and give numerous chances. I give my body and not my heart. I wonder which one is worse. I have given them both to an extent and I only have one of each. Once you give it, you're no longer in control. I'm not sure if I like being in control or not. I guess it's just loneliness that eats me up so much that I have to lean on someone else to satisfy my hunger. I give myself. Seconds later, I ask myself "what am I really doing ? why am I doing this ? and will I ever regret it ?" I'm tired of thinking because I just come up with more questions. Never any answers. When I do get an answer that I most likely don't like, I rationalize it into something better that I like. I think about what God thinks of me and I try to humble myself to him. I feel lost. There was one time when I felt like there was hope when I went to my school's gospel choir concert. I felt like I belonged but then again not deserving to be in the presence of Him. I push myself to think that in the end, he will forgive me and that this is a phase. That I will get out of it naturally and everything will get better. I need to learn that the best decisions will not always be the easiest. That it is okay to be alone. I need to learn to control my desires and carve my overwhelming sexuality into something that won't make me feel like a whore. This is a very sensitive time for me. I'm learning so much. I need to be stronger, find out my morals again and stick to them. I don't want to feel lost forever nor do I want to be the same girl I was last year or two years ago. Things has happened and changed and because of that I will never be the same. I need to accept the past, learn from it and make smarter decisions. I need to be someone that I'm proud of and stop caring about other's well being before mine. I hope I can read this post 3, 6, 9 or 12 months from now and smile because I achieved the goals I mentioned. That would be a big step for me. I need to love me again.