Homely Mistakes.

I'm getting this feeling again. The feeling that I get when I'm overwhelmed and losing control of a situation, or in my case multiple situations. Last night me and him got into an argument because I really wanted to know what was on his mind the night that everything went wrong and then my plan failed again. I feel like everything I try to make better, gets worse. Maybe I do deserve better.

In less than one hour I will be leaving my safe haven called college and going back "home." When I look back on my decision to go home, I regret it. I haven't even arrived yet and my mom is already yelling at me and blowing up my phone. My initial plan was to surprise my mom, sisters and grandmother with the help of my two aunts and cousin but somehow my mom found out and wants to take control of the situation. I do not miss "home" at all. I do miss some of my family members and I guess surprising them encouraged me to to go. Another reason for me going home is because my grandmother bought me some clothes for the cold weather and I wanted to get my hair and nails done for my birthday next Tuesday. I could have stayed here with a room all by myself because my roommate went home to celebrate Rosh Hannah. I would have been content with being here alone when most of my friends went home. I leave today and come back on Sunday. Hopefully these days go by very fast.

Something Worth Something

When I see someone so passionate about something, it gives me goosebumps. I long to find my own personal passion. To wake up knowing that I have found my calling and happy to do it everyday. It would be a plus if it makes me good money. I just can't wait to find it and put my whole heart, soul and life into it. To watch it blossom into something so big and creative that it inspires others. I'm in college. It would be great to find it now. To convince me that all this shit that I'm going through is worth something. That I'm worth something and destined to be someone. 

A Work In Progress

How you guys doing ? I'm okay. Just wanted to recap on my life lol. Feel like writing and I haven't in a while so ...yeah lol. I feel stressed and overwhelmed sometimes with school. Not really the work ( well, sometimes ) but time management and money management especially. I went to the mall near my school on Saturday and Walmart yesterday and spent over $300 in two days. I just got the money. Less than a week ago. No bueno. I need to work on that. I'm trying to schedule my time efficiently. It's a work in progress. I don't regret anything I bought though.

On the other hand, I have been eating horrible. Making bad eating choices because everything is here. I worry about my weight constantly. I walk a lot but I know that's not enough. I try to eat once or twice a day ( my meal plan is another part of my money management ) and I get headaches often. I fit in my clothes fine. I need to find a way to work out. I try to try to keep the horrible self-esteem voices in my head in the back of it. And I'm breaking out more enough then anytime in my whole life. Well not breaking out but my face has a weird texture to it and the occasional pimples leave horrible acne marks. I'm currently on a search to find sometimes that will relieve the dark marks. When I go home, I need to go to my dermatologist.

Lastly, me and him are better. We talk everyday on the phone but when we see each other, it's still awkward. I don't know what he thinks or wants. I'm afraid to ask. Afraid of the answers I will get so I will just leave things how they are. One day, I'll ask. My feelings are still masked. Well I hope. I often wear my heart on my sleeve. He's the "Do whatever you want. I'm not gonna ask you to stay or go" type of the attitude so that makes me confused. I wish things were back to how it was in the summer. Another work in the progress.

The Ugly Truth

Why is my mom such a failure ? At 40, she still isn't ready to support her kids. There is a lack of everything that a child must get from a parent in this "relationship." I'm going to college in 7 days and she still has not gotten her shit together for me to leave. I wish I didn't have to depend on her at all. If she wasn't my biological mother, I would have no absolute attachment to her. I feel no emotional attachment to her nor do I want to. I don't want to be like her. I fear to be like her when I grow up. I refuse to let my children struggle the way my sisters and I have all these years.

I finally got a taste of the college life in July and loved it. I felt so stress-free ( except when it came to my academics ) and most importantly, happy. I never felt so happy in my whole life. I did not miss home at all. College to me is an escape from this place. I hate this place and the effect it has on my happiness. I feel trapped in this feeling. I once had a place where I could be me. A place I could call my own and just be free but that was invaded when I left for college. I'm glad that everything worked out and I am going three and a half hours away. I had to get away. I'm counting down the days to when I leave. I just need for my mom to get take up responsibility and get stuff done. That's all I want from her. No cutting corners or bullshitting. Just get things done and I will be on my merry way.

Only close friends know my struggle. I feel embarrassed telling it. How both of my parents are alive and well and still fail to be parents. How I don't love them at all. How they are just people that I have to tolerate because they gave me life. Sometimes life can be a burden, a curse. I refuse to let this depression shallow me. I will leave for college somehow. Make ends meet on my own or with the help of my very gracious family members that do care and make something out of myself.

I hate when my feelings depend on others. Especially people who don't care at all about me or my feelings. I hold it all in. Then I tell too much. It gets worse. I've let guys in to help fill this void and that failed. I fail to let go and start over. I am trying to start over with someone new but sometimes I feel like they can't handle the ugly truth of my life. That it will scare them and cause them to run the other way. I want to find real love but I'm scared at the same time. My optimism is slowly fading. I need to find myself. I'm tired of feeling anger and hopeless and scared and alone. I'm tired of crying.