Bad Habit.

The first thing I think about when I wake up is you. I don't even think about myself first. When I catch myself doing this, I quickly stop myself. This is the worse habit. I must stop it. I quickly say a prayer. Thanking God for waking me and my loved ones up today and in good health and hope for a good, safe and fun day ahead. Then I go back to thinking of you. The same 'ol things. The same night. The kiss. The feeling that I got. That good, warm and intense feeling. When you're near, I feel privileged to accompany your space. When you're far, I miss you more.

Okay. I'm going to stop now. I probably sound like a psycho and stalker lol.

Opening My Eyes To Something That Will Never Be

At the end of the day, you can't force someone to be with you. If they don't want to be with you, they just don't want to be with you.

Don't worry. I can catch a hint. I understand through your simple response text and nonchalant attitude towards everything. It's terribly annoying. I'm trying hard but it's whatever. We will never be. I accept that now. Maybe you are right. Maybe I do deserve better than you. I never thought that was possible but I guess it is. I'll channel this negative energy and shattered hopes and dreams into something positive and powerful. Something that reflects the way life should be. Without you.

The Failed Chance

It still hasn't hit me. Last night was so close to perfect. We finally saw each other after so many weeks. All the texts and emotions came to the surface and full force. Feelings were declared. Guards were let down. It was hard for me to put myself out there but I did because I trusted you. You're different. A mystery that I'll love to explore and learn from. You tickled me, found my weak spot and said that you won't hurt me. In less than two hours you did. I became vulnerable but I felt it was a right choice. Terrible mistake. If you like someone so much, care for them even more, the past does not matter. You condescend yourself in such a way that it seems like you hate yourself. You stopped something that didn't even have a chance to start. So much potential. So many dreams. Halted to a stop. My drowsiness made it seem like it was all a dream but then you kissed me and I finally felt the sensational feeling that I haven't felt in so long. So strong that I wanted to stay the night. Holding your hand while you gently caress my face and hold me. While you give me that look that meant so much. I saw the potential. You don't see the potential in yourself. It hurts me that you so scared and scarred by the past that you can't even start in the present with me. It hurts me more to see you feel so bad about yourself. To feel worthless. I'm tired of the excuses. I'm tired of the "you deserve better" though they seem sincere. I am not perfect. I want you. I fell for you for a reason. I want to be with you. Confused emotions. Awkward moments to come. Tears shed. Thinking about the words to clearly describe my feelings but I've failed. When I find them, I want to tell them to you.

Great Last Days.

Today was a great day for me. I got one thing off of my to do list which I am very proud of because I am not productive as I should be at all. I also went over my ex's house today and connected with him on a level that is so close to magical. It has been almost a year and a half since we have met ( maybe seven months since we have broken up ) and we still manage to act like a couple. I have never met someone of the opposite sex that I am so comfortable and happy with in my whole life. We have certainly have had our ups and downs but somehow he still makes me so happy and I can't get enough. We have recently established that we are not over each other at all but we both have personal things that we need to figure out by ourselves before we think about being in a relationship again. Plus, we go to different colleges that are hours away. I want to experience everything in college. I mean EVERYTHING. It's gonna be a good four years ( two days until I move in : ) ). I don't know what the future has for me or him or us but I can only hope that it's a good one. I will forever love him. You never fully get over your first love. Today would have been a year an one month since we were together

If It's Meant To Be, It Will Be

If it’s meant to be then it will work out again. Let it go. It will come back if it’s real. If it’s meant to be.

We met a little over a year ago and since then you have been in my life. There’s been ups and downs, breakups and makeups and after a big argument, I really thought we were over for good. Didn’t talk for months. Distance came between us and I had time and space to think about a lot. Now you’re back. Feelings haven’t changed. You’ve come back to me <3. I’m anxious about the future but I’m cherishing the memories of the past and the present.