The Ugly Truth

Why is my mom such a failure ? At 40, she still isn't ready to support her kids. There is a lack of everything that a child must get from a parent in this "relationship." I'm going to college in 7 days and she still has not gotten her shit together for me to leave. I wish I didn't have to depend on her at all. If she wasn't my biological mother, I would have no absolute attachment to her. I feel no emotional attachment to her nor do I want to. I don't want to be like her. I fear to be like her when I grow up. I refuse to let my children struggle the way my sisters and I have all these years.

I finally got a taste of the college life in July and loved it. I felt so stress-free ( except when it came to my academics ) and most importantly, happy. I never felt so happy in my whole life. I did not miss home at all. College to me is an escape from this place. I hate this place and the effect it has on my happiness. I feel trapped in this feeling. I once had a place where I could be me. A place I could call my own and just be free but that was invaded when I left for college. I'm glad that everything worked out and I am going three and a half hours away. I had to get away. I'm counting down the days to when I leave. I just need for my mom to get take up responsibility and get stuff done. That's all I want from her. No cutting corners or bullshitting. Just get things done and I will be on my merry way.

Only close friends know my struggle. I feel embarrassed telling it. How both of my parents are alive and well and still fail to be parents. How I don't love them at all. How they are just people that I have to tolerate because they gave me life. Sometimes life can be a burden, a curse. I refuse to let this depression shallow me. I will leave for college somehow. Make ends meet on my own or with the help of my very gracious family members that do care and make something out of myself.

I hate when my feelings depend on others. Especially people who don't care at all about me or my feelings. I hold it all in. Then I tell too much. It gets worse. I've let guys in to help fill this void and that failed. I fail to let go and start over. I am trying to start over with someone new but sometimes I feel like they can't handle the ugly truth of my life. That it will scare them and cause them to run the other way. I want to find real love but I'm scared at the same time. My optimism is slowly fading. I need to find myself. I'm tired of feeling anger and hopeless and scared and alone. I'm tired of crying.

If It's Meant To Be, It Will Be

If it’s meant to be then it will work out again. Let it go. It will come back if it’s real. If it’s meant to be.

We met a little over a year ago and since then you have been in my life. There’s been ups and downs, breakups and makeups and after a big argument, I really thought we were over for good. Didn’t talk for months. Distance came between us and I had time and space to think about a lot. Now you’re back. Feelings haven’t changed. You’ve come back to me <3. I’m anxious about the future but I’m cherishing the memories of the past and the present.