Losing.

It is 2:44 am and December 4, 2011. A lot has happened since my last blog post but I just have failed to put it all in words and make them make sense. I'm gong through a phase where I feel like I'm losing myself. A while ago, I was just thinking and looking at old pictures of me about two years ago. I was so different then. I was still awkward but back then I had morals, standards and most importantly a strong and intimate relationship with God. I was content then. Life wasn't great but it was manageable. The girl today is so different. My heart has been so confused lately that I try to ignore it as much as I can. So I follow my mind and my body which hasn't had the best results. I am now intertwined into four different branches all yearning for a combination of passion, lust and confusion. I am too nice so I forgive and give numerous chances. I give my body and not my heart. I wonder which one is worse. I have given them both to an extent and I only have one of each. Once you give it, you're no longer in control. I'm not sure if I like being in control or not. I guess it's just loneliness that eats me up so much that I have to lean on someone else to satisfy my hunger. I give myself. Seconds later, I ask myself "what am I really doing ? why am I doing this ? and will I ever regret it ?" I'm tired of thinking because I just come up with more questions. Never any answers. When I do get an answer that I most likely don't like, I rationalize it into something better that I like. I think about what God thinks of me and I try to humble myself to him. I feel lost. There was one time when I felt like there was hope when I went to my school's gospel choir concert. I felt like I belonged but then again not deserving to be in the presence of Him. I push myself to think that in the end, he will forgive me and that this is a phase. That I will get out of it naturally and everything will get better. I need to learn that the best decisions will not always be the easiest. That it is okay to be alone. I need to learn to control my desires and carve my overwhelming sexuality into something that won't make me feel like a whore. This is a very sensitive time for me. I'm learning so much. I need to be stronger, find out my morals again and stick to them. I don't want to feel lost forever nor do I want to be the same girl I was last year or two years ago. Things has happened and changed and because of that I will never be the same. I need to accept the past, learn from it and make smarter decisions. I need to be someone that I'm proud of and stop caring about other's well being before mine. I hope I can read this post 3, 6, 9 or 12 months from now and smile because I achieved the goals I mentioned. That would be a big step for me. I need to love me again.

Homely Mistakes.

I'm getting this feeling again. The feeling that I get when I'm overwhelmed and losing control of a situation, or in my case multiple situations. Last night me and him got into an argument because I really wanted to know what was on his mind the night that everything went wrong and then my plan failed again. I feel like everything I try to make better, gets worse. Maybe I do deserve better.

In less than one hour I will be leaving my safe haven called college and going back "home." When I look back on my decision to go home, I regret it. I haven't even arrived yet and my mom is already yelling at me and blowing up my phone. My initial plan was to surprise my mom, sisters and grandmother with the help of my two aunts and cousin but somehow my mom found out and wants to take control of the situation. I do not miss "home" at all. I do miss some of my family members and I guess surprising them encouraged me to to go. Another reason for me going home is because my grandmother bought me some clothes for the cold weather and I wanted to get my hair and nails done for my birthday next Tuesday. I could have stayed here with a room all by myself because my roommate went home to celebrate Rosh Hannah. I would have been content with being here alone when most of my friends went home. I leave today and come back on Sunday. Hopefully these days go by very fast.

Something Worth Something

When I see someone so passionate about something, it gives me goosebumps. I long to find my own personal passion. To wake up knowing that I have found my calling and happy to do it everyday. It would be a plus if it makes me good money. I just can't wait to find it and put my whole heart, soul and life into it. To watch it blossom into something so big and creative that it inspires others. I'm in college. It would be great to find it now. To convince me that all this shit that I'm going through is worth something. That I'm worth something and destined to be someone. 

A Work In Progress

How you guys doing ? I'm okay. Just wanted to recap on my life lol. Feel like writing and I haven't in a while so ...yeah lol. I feel stressed and overwhelmed sometimes with school. Not really the work ( well, sometimes ) but time management and money management especially. I went to the mall near my school on Saturday and Walmart yesterday and spent over $300 in two days. I just got the money. Less than a week ago. No bueno. I need to work on that. I'm trying to schedule my time efficiently. It's a work in progress. I don't regret anything I bought though.

On the other hand, I have been eating horrible. Making bad eating choices because everything is here. I worry about my weight constantly. I walk a lot but I know that's not enough. I try to eat once or twice a day ( my meal plan is another part of my money management ) and I get headaches often. I fit in my clothes fine. I need to find a way to work out. I try to try to keep the horrible self-esteem voices in my head in the back of it. And I'm breaking out more enough then anytime in my whole life. Well not breaking out but my face has a weird texture to it and the occasional pimples leave horrible acne marks. I'm currently on a search to find sometimes that will relieve the dark marks. When I go home, I need to go to my dermatologist.

Lastly, me and him are better. We talk everyday on the phone but when we see each other, it's still awkward. I don't know what he thinks or wants. I'm afraid to ask. Afraid of the answers I will get so I will just leave things how they are. One day, I'll ask. My feelings are still masked. Well I hope. I often wear my heart on my sleeve. He's the "Do whatever you want. I'm not gonna ask you to stay or go" type of the attitude so that makes me confused. I wish things were back to how it was in the summer. Another work in the progress.

Bad Habit.

The first thing I think about when I wake up is you. I don't even think about myself first. When I catch myself doing this, I quickly stop myself. This is the worse habit. I must stop it. I quickly say a prayer. Thanking God for waking me and my loved ones up today and in good health and hope for a good, safe and fun day ahead. Then I go back to thinking of you. The same 'ol things. The same night. The kiss. The feeling that I got. That good, warm and intense feeling. When you're near, I feel privileged to accompany your space. When you're far, I miss you more.

Okay. I'm going to stop now. I probably sound like a psycho and stalker lol.

Opening My Eyes To Something That Will Never Be

At the end of the day, you can't force someone to be with you. If they don't want to be with you, they just don't want to be with you.

Don't worry. I can catch a hint. I understand through your simple response text and nonchalant attitude towards everything. It's terribly annoying. I'm trying hard but it's whatever. We will never be. I accept that now. Maybe you are right. Maybe I do deserve better than you. I never thought that was possible but I guess it is. I'll channel this negative energy and shattered hopes and dreams into something positive and powerful. Something that reflects the way life should be. Without you.

The Failed Chance

It still hasn't hit me. Last night was so close to perfect. We finally saw each other after so many weeks. All the texts and emotions came to the surface and full force. Feelings were declared. Guards were let down. It was hard for me to put myself out there but I did because I trusted you. You're different. A mystery that I'll love to explore and learn from. You tickled me, found my weak spot and said that you won't hurt me. In less than two hours you did. I became vulnerable but I felt it was a right choice. Terrible mistake. If you like someone so much, care for them even more, the past does not matter. You condescend yourself in such a way that it seems like you hate yourself. You stopped something that didn't even have a chance to start. So much potential. So many dreams. Halted to a stop. My drowsiness made it seem like it was all a dream but then you kissed me and I finally felt the sensational feeling that I haven't felt in so long. So strong that I wanted to stay the night. Holding your hand while you gently caress my face and hold me. While you give me that look that meant so much. I saw the potential. You don't see the potential in yourself. It hurts me that you so scared and scarred by the past that you can't even start in the present with me. It hurts me more to see you feel so bad about yourself. To feel worthless. I'm tired of the excuses. I'm tired of the "you deserve better" though they seem sincere. I am not perfect. I want you. I fell for you for a reason. I want to be with you. Confused emotions. Awkward moments to come. Tears shed. Thinking about the words to clearly describe my feelings but I've failed. When I find them, I want to tell them to you.